Sex & Relationships

Some people are shocked when I tell them that it has been 8 months since I’ve “done the deed.”  It doesn’t bother me that I haven’t been intimate with someone in so long.  It’s not the longest I’ve gone without.  The longest was about 2 years; and that was as a sex-crazed teenager.  Sex just doesn’t mean anything to me if there aren’t real feelings attached to it.  It doesn’t mean anything, either, if there’s no actual relationship involved. 

I outgrew meaningless, one-night sex a long time ago.  Now, if it doesn’t hold meaning, then I don’t want it.  It’s just not worth the effort if there’s no reason to put the effort out there.  Besides, it’s not like I go out to bars where I’d be inclined to meet potential one-nighters anyway.

Sex is a luxury, to me.  It is not something I need to make it through my day, or my week, or even my month…and, at the rate I’m going, through my year.  It doesn’t bother me to go without.  The only time I freak out if I don’t “get it” is when I’m in a relationship.  In a relationship, you need that intimacy, that shared connection.  Outside of a relationship, my drive shuts down and goes into hibernation.  If I don’t crave it, then I don’t want it, thusly I don’t miss it.

When it comes to a relationship, I’m all about taking care of my partner.  I do what I can to always appreciate what they do for me and not take them for granted.  Of course, this is extremely difficult for me to do if they don’t appreciate what I do for them and constantly take me for granted.  Unfortunately, it seems to be the trend lately to not appreciate your mate and to abuse their generosity and kindness and courtesy.  This is one of the big reasons why I have decided to remain abstinent in almost all ways.  I don’t’ want to date, which means I don’t want to get all involved in any kind of intimate relationship.

When I’m happy in a relationship, I love to do housework.  I love to do housework anyway, I just don’t usually bother with it on a regular basis when I’m single and no one ever comes over.  If there’s no one to impress, why bother, right?  It’s kind of like shaving your legs in that respect.  But, happily in a relationship, I will have a regular cleaning schedule for doing all the housework, dishes and laundry.  I will enjoy this time and it’s almost meditative for me.  It’s my time to myself.  It’s my time to think about everything.  When I’m single and have no one to impress, I also don’t have the need to have a specific meditative time allotted for myself and for thinking because I have all day every day for that.

The Scale

I can be a very bitter person at times.  Bitter and cynical.  I can always find the worst in something, even if I have to make it up…kind of like those infomercials.  You know the ones.  The ones where they make the normal way of doing something look like such a colossal pain in the ass to do?  Yea, those are the ones.  That’s what I do, except I find the absolutely worst thing about something and rant and rave about it like it’s the end of the world.  On the other hand, however, I can always find the absolutely silverest silver lining in a craptastic situation.  Imagine that.  It all depends on my mood.  That’s the deciding factor in whether I’m bitter and cynical and a chronic complainer or if everything is hunky dory and couldn’t possibly be funnier.

This week, I found myself starting everything off with being bitter and cynical.  It all started with my daily exercise for Sunday.  I decided that I would do my “2-hour walk” (which takes me about 1 hour and 50 minutes to do…it took 2 hours when I still had the dog with her short little legs causing me to walk slower).  Part way through it, I looked at my shadow.  Everyone knows that your shadow is not an accurately proportioned silhouette of yourself.  It doesn’t matter that I know this.  It doesn’t matter that I’m aware of just how silly it is to look at my shadow and decide that it is an accurate depiction of my body and get upset over it.  It doesn’t matter because I did get upset over it.  I started feeling all fat and gross and I even almost cried at one point! 

Then, I woke up this morning and found myself on the absolute wrong side of the bed.  I was just irritable from the get go.  I think it was leftover dissatisfaction about how my body appeared to look in my shadow from yesterday.  To compound matters further, I stepped on the scale because it’s Monday, my weigh in day per Weight Watchers.  I stepped back off that scale as fast as I could because of what it said.  I’d gained back over 2 of the pounds that I had lost last week!  To make matters even worse, I had stepped on the scale on Friday because I was “feeling good” and saw that I had lost about 1.3 pounds since Monday last week.  So, not only did I gain back the 2-ish pounds, but I regained the 1-ish pounds I had actually lost.  How crushing is that?  As far as I’m concerned right now, nothing could be worse.

I’ve run the gambit over the last 24 hours.  I have felt close to giving in and giving up.  I mean, really, what is the point of all these daily workouts if I’m not going to lose any weight?  Seriously.  Why should I bother stressing and making sure I do some form of cardio exercise each and every day if it’s not going to result in the positive changes that I am striving for?  It’s been almost 5 weeks now that I’ve struggled to lose weight.  I finally do and then it’s immediately taken away from me.  I am beyond frustrated.  The only solution I can come up with is to step on the scale only once every 2 weeks instead of once every week.  That will hopefully get my fixation on what the scale says to lessen a bit, so I can just focus on working out and eating right, which should be where the majority of my attention is focused anyway.  I’m just having such an issue getting past what the scale says.

Bunny Motivation

Keeping myself motivated is practically a full time job all on its own.  I look in the mirror and I’m instantly discouraged.  When I look in the mirror, I see a lumpy, unattractive blob of flesh staring back at me.  I’m not so much curvaceous as I am obscenely voluptuous.  I take up far too much air space.  Yea, true, like I’ve said before, I *could* be fatter…a LOT fatter.  And sure, there are bigger women out there that look at my body and wish they could fit into my clothes…would kill to fit in my clothes, really.  But none of that matters because I really don’t care what others see when they look at me. 

Yea, yea, yea.  You’ve heard that one before.  But, really, I truly don’t care what they think of how I appear outwardly.  Why?  Because it doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters to me is how I view myself.  If I am happy with how I look, then I am confident and full of self esteem. 

It’s difficult to motivate myself when I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted by what I see.  When I look at my body and view it as a total and complete ruin of what it once was not long ago, it’s hard to not just throw in the towel.  When I binge on just a little bit of chocolate, it’s hard for me to not think that I have completely failed myself and let myself down.  I feel like I have no self control, even though it’s basically a negligible amount and really won’t make a difference.

I do my daily cardio and I feel like it’s not enough, that I should be doing at least twice what I’m doing now.  I feel that I should do so much that I collapse when I am done.  You see, I have a problem when it comes to exercise.  I get obsessive.  You might think I’m joking or that I’m over exaggerating…that an hour and a half to 2 hours of cardio a day wouldn’t be as bad as I’m making it out to be.  But, you’d be wrong because if I let myself bump it up to an hour and a half to 2 hours, then the next thing I know, I’ll be doing 3 hours and then 4 hours a day.  Working out will become my life.  If I’m not asleep or at work, I’ll be working out.  It’s happened before. 

Having a bunny will definitely keep this from happening because I will spend a good amount of my free time playing with the bunny.  I won’t be able to obsess about working out because I won’t have the time to commit to obsessing about it. 

I’m very excited about getting the bunny.  So excited, in fact, that last night I had a bit of an anxiety attack.  I got myself all worked up about whether or not a bunny was the right pet for me and whether or not I’d be able to care properly for a rabbit and whether I was making a mistake and so on.  Luckily, since I started taking the herbs from the natural health center, I’m not really prone to anxiety anymore, which is a completely liberating feeling, let me tell you. 

So, while I got myself all worked up, my thoughts didn’t become as obsessive and racing as they normally would.  Instead, I was able to talk sense to myself, telling myself I was only freaking out because I hadn’t allowed myself the instant gratification of immediately going out and adopting a bunny directly after deciding that I wanted one.  But this is a good thing that I’ve decided to make myself wait and not allow the usual instant gratification.  That makes this the most informed and intelligent decision I’ve made for as long as I can remember.  I never even put this much thought into buying a car or renting an apartment.  Usually, I just see something I like and I’m done.  I don’t shop around.  I don’t do comparisons, I just impulse buy and impulse commit.  That’s how I get myself in a lot of the trouble I get into…I don’t think before I do something, I just do it.

But I don’t want to make the same mistake I always make with yet another pet.  I got the dog shortly after Jon-Pierre and I separated because I felt I needed something to take his place in my life.  I needed something for emotional support, so I went out and I got a dog, the very first dog I met.  Well, that’s not exactly true, I *had* brought home another dog before I brought home the dog I kept, but I took her back to where I had gotten her from because she was way too much for me to handle and she chased my cat and scared the bejeezus out of him.  But I brought home my little doggie because I felt I needed something to take his place in my life, to fill the massive void he left.  I didn’t think it through.  I didn’t do my homework.  Someone told me that the humane society was having a cheap adoption fee weekend, so off I went to bring home a dog; and I was determined to do just that.  Instant gratification. 

Thankfully, after 5 months, I finally realized that it just wasn’t working and that, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it, I was not a dog person.  Not without having a yard where I could put the dog for potty needs.  The walking up and down 3 floors worth of stairs had long since gotten old and was a chore for me.  I no longer enjoyed my dog’s company.  But I had a friend with small children, whom my dog absolutely loved, who was willing to take her so I didn’t have to take her back to the shelter.

I guess I’m just afraid that I’m rushing into getting another pet.  Really, I wanted another cat, but I really don’t want to deal with it shredding my furniture or getting it spayed/neutered because I will want a kitten, which means I wouldn’t be getting it from a shelter.  Really, a rabbit is the only logical choice.  They love affection and they love to play and they’re intelligent and they’re fastidious about keeping themselves clean.  They’re social and seek attention.  Also, you don’t HAVE to take them outside multiple times a day to use the restroom, you just have to clean their litterbox every other day and I don’t mind litterboxes at all. 

I’m just afraid that I’m getting a rabbit for all the wrong reasons.  And the only reason I’m having these thoughts is because I am allowing myself time to think everything through by making myself wait an entire month before I bring a bunny home with me.  I will have already set up the cage and gotten some toys and a litterbox and bedding and pellet food and bagged grass hay.  I will have completed all my readings and know as much as I can possibly know about rabbits without actually having one.

I’ve had a rabbit in the past.  There were a few problems with that.  First, it was a wild rabbit.  He never was able to calm down except for a couple times and enjoy my company.  He was highly anxious and hyper-alert at all times.  I even tried to put him on a harness with a leash to let him hop around, but he just proceeded to freak out and thrash about and I was afraid he was going to hurt himself.  So I returned the harness as a failed experiment.  He was just too high strung for me to really enjoy his company.  So, the poor guy ended up living out the rest of his days stuck in his cage.  I don’t know what happened, I just know that one morning, I went to feed him and he was just laying there, cold and stiff.  I was sad, of course, why wouldn’t I be?  But he was in a better place and no longer freaking out all the time, so I was also relieved.  I guess, looking back, it would have been better if I had just released him back into the wild, what with him being a wild rabbit to begin with.  Hind sight, you know.

My other problem with keeping that wild rabbit was that I knew nothing about keeping rabbits.  I knew how to keep rats and hamsters and gerbils and just assumed that rabbits were similar as far as responsibilities were concerned.  I know for a fact that I didn’t change his litter/bedding frequently enough, I didn’t remove day old grass hay every day or wash out his fresh food bowls like I should have.  I also fed him too much sweet fruits and vegetables.  Too many apples and carrots and strawberries.  I didn’t socialize with him as much as I really should have, even with him being a wild bunny.  I could have handled him more and maybe it would have made him a little calmer.  But I just thought that it stressed him out unnecessarily.

Every mistake I made with Ziggy (the wild bunny), I swear I won’t make with my new bunny.  I will handle and play with bunny every day.  I will clean the cage and litter box on a regular basis.  I will feed fresh vegetables and grass hay every day.  I will dole out treat foods, like fruit, responsibly and no more than 2 tablespoons a day.  I will take the bunny safely outside for quality time on his leash.  I will allow bunny out of his cage for at least 2 hours a day for playtime.  I will snuggle with and groom bunny daily to bond with him.  I will create a trusting relationship between me and bunny and I will provide a safe and fun environment for him.  My bunny will be spoiled in every way possible.  I will get a great nest box for him and a play pen and a good variety of toys.

I believe I am getting this rabbit for the right reasons.  And I believe that by the time I bring bunny home, that I will have thought through every possible situation regarding the initial process of adjustment with the bunny and with creating a schedule and routine for socializing with my bunny.  They say they respond better when you interact with them around the same times every day and create a steady routine for them.

Richard Hammond

So, I have decided that I want to get a house rabbit.  Yes, that’s right, a rabbit.  Sure, I failed at being anything above average dog mama, but I think I’d be an excellent bunny mama.  Why?  Well, because bunnies are kind of like cats.  No, hear me out on this.  Bunnies are like cats because they’re quiet and are fully capable of doing their own thing.  Bunnies are like cats because they do need interaction and grooming.  Bunnies get hairballs, just like cats…except they’re not able to vomit them up.  Bunnies are like cats because they can be litter box trained.  So, you see, a good kitty mama can be a good bunny mama.

I won’t be getting said bunny immediately.  I need to pay off a certain payday loan before I can get the cage and all the accessories and the bunny.  At the end of this month, I’ll be able to buy a good sized cage, 2 litter boxes (1 for in the cage and 1 for in the kitchen), some bedding, some organic bunny food, and some grass hay.  Why do I need a bunny litter box for the kitchen?  Because the bunny will have play time in the kitchen when I’m not holding it in my lap and petting or grooming it.  There is nothing for the bunny to chew on and potentially harm itself with in the kitchen.  I’ll simply get a wide board from Home Depot to block off the kitchen so that bunny can’t escape and find wires to eat.

In addition to having the bunny outside of his/her cage as much as possible when I’m home, I will take bunny outside for romps in the grass 2 or 3 times a week.  My friend Denise has said that she wants to buy my bunny a few presents, a harness and some chew toys.  The harness will allow me to safely walk the bunny outside without hurting it, as it has fragile bones.  I want to make sure that bunny is kept well stocked on chew toys.

The cage I have found and want to buy for the bunny is about 3 feet wide by 20 inches tall and deep.  It’s a good sized cage and allows bunny lots of space to hop around a little and stretch out like bunnies like to do.

I have thoroughly researched how to best feed a rabbit.  What veggies are best.  What veggies are bad.  How much and what kinds of fruit.  Grass hay (like Timothy) should be available at all times, 24 hours a day.  I think my bunny will be well taken care of and even spoiled.

I plan to go to a local shelter first to meet bunnies.  I’ve been on their website and have seen a few that I am at least visually interested in meeting and checking out their personalities.  If local bunnies don’t pan out for me for whatever reason, there is a shelter up in Lewisville, Texas, just north of Dallas, which has a few bunnies that I like.  One especially, called Mitzi. 

While I had the names Amalie and Olyvia picked out for a girl bunny, if I get Mitzi, I will keep her name as is.  I really like it.  The name I have picked out for a boy bunny is Richard Hammond.  Strange name for a pet, you say?  Yes, I know.  But you know how some people like to fully name their pets after celebrities?  Well, this is one of those cases.  I have dubbed Richard Hammond my “celebrity boyfriend.”  He is a British celebrity and hosts a car program called Top Gear that I absolutely love to watch.  So, I have decided to be that kooky person that names their pet after a celebrity.  I’d call him “Hammy” for short.  I’ve never been so much a fan of a celebrity as I am of him…and I have no idea why, it just happened.  Too bad he’s completely happily married AND all the way in England AND completely unapproachable because he’s a celebrity.  But having a pretend “celebrity boyfriend” takes my mind off not having a real life boyfriend and keeps me from wanting to end my perfectly happy singleness by getting involved with yet another man in yet another relationship that is destined to go south.  Having a “celebrity boyfriend” is safe, I can’t be hurt by it like I’m hurt by real relationships.

Speaking of my perfectly happy singleness…I am perfectly happy.  I’m not lonely at all.  Sure, I wish I had more of a social life, but I’m not lonely.  I have the distinct feeling that this is going to be the best year I’ve had for a while and pretty much solely because I’m single and I CHOOSE to be that way and remain that way.  I want this.  I want to be me and me alone, unfettered by a man and undefined by a man.  My last few relationships have been disasters, complete failures.  And not for lack of trying on my part.  I don’t mean that say that I was trying to fail…no, I was trying my damnedest to make the relationships work.  Okay, so one of them I didn’t really try and then he broke up with me in an email.  Hey, at least it wasn’t a post-it note.  But, it turned out he was a total cokehead and somehow I never figured it out.  His former roommate told me.

The last time I was truly happy was when I was single for around 2 years.  This was about 4 years or so ago.  Before that, I hadn’t been really happy with my life was almost 8 years before that, when I was 20-21 years old…young, stupid, naïve, and innocent in the ways of the world.  I didn’t know enough about life yet for it to get me down or even to let it keep me down for long.  I bounced back from failed relationships like they were nothing back then.  I was so nonchalant in my relationships too…until Vance came along.  I loved Vance the same way I loved Jon-Pierre…fully, completely, passionate, obsessively.  Everything I did, I did to please him.  I have no idea why I was like that with him.  He wasn’t really anything special.  Nothing about him was exceptional…except his ability to lie.  He cheated on me with no less than 9 different women in the 13 months we were together.  That relationship with him ruined me on relationships. 

I had a great guy around 10 years ago.  Scott.  He was British and wore no underwear.  He was a professional photographer and he rode a Triumph chopper motorcycle.  Not the fancy choppers you see on television today.  It was a true, original chopper, meaning that it had parts from all sorts of different bikes…all chopped up and then pieced together to work perfectly.  He was the first man I’d dated with a motorcycle.  He was thrilling.  He was foreign.  He could cook!  And he had the best trained dog I’ve ever met.  She would poop on command!  How cool is that?  It was also hilarious because the dog was jealous of me when we were lying in bed together.  But, although I had a great thing going with him, I threw it all away because he was supposed to be going out of country for a year to backpack around South America on his motorcycle and I didn’t think he’d want to be tied down to a relationship back in the States while he was there.  So, I threw it away for a man that was 15 years older than me.  He would never get over our age difference, either.  He was always bringing it up and worrying over it and coming up with “what if” scenarios.  I kept telling him that we would worry about it when the time came, but he would never drop it…just kept on and on about it.

That was also a time in my life when I took my body completely for granted.  I had a great body back then.  And I didn’t even have to work at it.  I had never had a gym membership.  I wasn’t a runner.  I didn’t go for long walks or bicycle rides.  I didn’t do hours of sit-ups.  I just had a great body. 

Got an absolutely amazing compliment today.  Of course, it came secondhand, but I don’t care.  One of the guys at work said to another lady I work with “She’s looking good, has she lost weight? Make me want to take that kitty home!”  That made me feel great because I’ve been fairly frustrated because for 2 weeks in a row I weighed exactly the same (down to the 10^th of a pound even) and then last week, I had actually gained half a pound.  So, him saying I’m looking like I’ve lost weight means that I’ve been building up muscle tone at the same rate as I’m losing fat.  Which makes sense because my work uniform does seem to not be as tight as it was 3 weeks ago.

I should put a note in here what the “kitty” reference is about…I “meow” frequently.  Yes, like a cat.  I’m a little crazy if you didn’t already know…but it’s all in good fun.

I’ve been working really hard, every day, to keep myself motivated and positive about my exercising and becoming fit and healthy.  And that’s really the main goal I have.  The weight loss is actually just a large side effect of becoming fit and healthy.  Maybe that’s a funny way to look at it, but I think it’s kind of a more reasonable way to approach it.  I mean if your main goal is to just get fit and be healthy, then you’re not obsessing about every last little calorie or fighting yourself to keep from stepping on the scale every 5 minutes to see if your weight has changed.  If losing weight just “happens” to happen as a result of eating better foods in more appropriate quantities and exercising moderately on a daily basis, then isn’t that a great thing?

It’s still nice to know that all my efforts haven’t been for nothing.  It’s nice to know that I’m not just wasting my time on exercise when there are better things to do, or whatever.  I like that I’m not as tired anymore.  I like that I wake up at 5:30 in the morning on my days off.  However, I don’t STAY awake, but instead go back to sleep for another couple hours.  But, it’s still nice to know that I don’t feel the need to sleep and sleep and sleep for 10 or 11 hours a day.  It’s nice to have energy and feel energized and exuberant.  It’s nice to get the feeling of just wanting to dance around like an idiot for no real reason other than I feel like doing it.

I like that I’m getting back into bellydancing as well.  I absolutely love to bellydance.  Sure, I’m not all that good at it, but it’s still a lot of fun regardless of my skill level.  It is definitely something that I want to get good at, maybe even join some kind of group that gets together and bellydances for fun, or maybe does performances.  I think that would be a lot of fun and is definitely something to look forward to doing.

I’ve been eating fairly well lately.  Since having my first nutritional consult at the Natural Health Center, I changed a few things that I ate.  For instance, I gave up my regular bowl of cereal with milk for 2 eggs scramble with vegetables and either some bacon or sausage.  Also, they suggested I keep my daily carb intake at or below 60 grams.  As a result, I had to do away with 1 of the 2 tv dinners I was eating a day and trade that in for fresh cooked meat and a heaping pile of vegetables.  On top of all that, I take the herbs that they mix up for me and it all seems to keep me pretty regular and balanced.

Speaking of, I’m starting to feel more balanced.  Between eating better, working out every day, getting acupuncture and taking the Chinese herbs, I’m pretty balanced and focused.  So focused indeed that the other day I was contemplating skipping my workout for the day but realized it just felt wrong for me to do that.  It didn’t feel right to not do a workout and so I did one and felt much better afterward, even if the elliptical machine at my apartment complex that I used is completely ghetto and broke down and makes way too much noise.

Tomorrow is “treadmill day.”  I am dreading and yet looking forward to this all at the same time.  I’m dreading it just because it’s still such a chore for me to complete.  I’m looking forward to it because I know I will feel great afterward.  I will feel accomplished when I know that I was able to jog half the mile that I do when I get on the treadmill.  Yea, okay, so it’s not a half mile all in one lump, but it’s still a half mile total and that’s what counts right now.  And, eventually, I *will* be able to do that half mile all in one lump and that will be an awesome moment for me.

The next time I go to Wal-mart, I need to remember to look in the exercise section for a new ab roller since the one I have right now is broken.  If I can get a new one of those and use it daily, that’ll help a lot.

I think I just hit celebrity crush pay dirt.  I found a fan site devoted to Richard Hammond.  While I don’t think I’ll participate in the forum postings, even though I may read them, I think I will peruse the photo gallery and snag a few for me.  I’ve never even been remotely gaga over a celebrity in my life.  Even as a teenager.  I mean, sure I had my little fantasies about being Joey McIntyre’s girlfriend, but I knew it wasn’t possible, so I didn’t really dwell on it too much.  For the most part, my opinion of celebrities is that they’re just people with lots of money, most with some kind of talent, but just people nonetheless.  My little gaganess over Richard Hammond is something new to me.  It seems to resemble how I feel when I love someone, but I know if it felt any more like being in love that it would resemble a mental disorder. 

I think if I just keep it the way it is, that it will be a healthy distraction from the fact that I’m single.  But, like I said before, it’s not that being single is a problem for me.  I think it’s the best choice for me right now.  It’s the only way for me to be happy with how my life is at the moment.  But, I may get lonely down the road and be tempted to jeopardize what I’ve got going for myself in being single and uncomplicated.  By nurturing my celebrity crush on Richard Hammond, I can stave off the loneliness and just pretend I’m in a long distance relationship.  That should get a laugh out of a good amount of my friends.  And maybe others will feel sorry for me too, but that’s okay.

Ren Faire

Went to the Sherwood Forest Renaissance Faire this past weekend.  It was a lot of fun.  I went with Denise and her husband, Rick.  We had all 3 gone about a month ago.  I didn’t really buy much the last time we went because I didn’t have any money, but this time, I had budgeted some money to spend.  I got some neat items this time.  I bought a coin skirt for bellydancing.  I also bought a forehead jewelry piece that ties on with a ribbon. 

After I got home from the Renaissance Faire, I put on my new coin skirt and my bellydancer top that I made myself for Halloween a few years ago and did my bellydance workout video.  It kicked my butt!  But I look forward to being able to do it like it’s nothing a few months from now.  I want to get some more bellydance workout and instructional videos.  I love bellydance.  It’s so much fun and makes you feel sexy.  Denise bought a completely awesome and beautiful bellydancer outfit at the Faire.  She told me that she had tried bellydancing in the past, but felt like she wasn’t doing the moves properly, so had stopped trying.  I told her that the more she does it, the easier it will get and she’d get the moves down eventually.  I mentioned us maybe meeting up like once a week or every other week or whatever to do bellydance together once we’re both a little better at it.  I think it would be a lot of fun to do it with someone else.

Bellydance is something I do for myself.  I don’t ever plan to perform in a bellydance show or anything like that, but it would be fun if I ended up doing that.  I simply like the way bellydance makes me feel.  It’s sensual and expressive and it’s ancient.  I love ancient things.  When there’s history behind something, that adds value to it, at least for me it does. 

Making my workouts fun is of a high priority to me because right now, half the time, I am dreading my workouts.  And it’s not because I don’t enjoy working out, because I love to workout.  The problem is that I’m not fit right now, so my workouts are more resembling a chore than anything enjoyable.  But I’m serious about working out and getting fit and into shape.  I’m serious about reclaiming the body I had a little over a year ago.  I know I can do it.  I just have to seriously apply myself to the task and I know it will get done and it will be accomplished.

I’m so serious about getting fit and feeling better about myself that I am dedicating pretty much almost all of my free time on my days off from work to working out.  Every day, I do some kind of workout.  For instance, today, since I’m working, I will use the elliptical machine on my lunchbreak for 45 minutes.  I had planned on using the treadmill to do my walk/jog for a mile, but ended up doing bellydancing instead.  So, after work today, I will do workout #2 for the day and do my 1 mile of jog/walk on the treadmill.  I’m serious about sticking to using the treadmill twice a week.  And there’s no reason I can’t do a second workout within the same day.  I may even start doing 2 workouts a day on the days that I work.  I’ll do my 45 minutes on the elliptical during my lunch hour and then, after work, I can do the treadmill or one of my workout videos.

Nothing has meant more to me than my getting fit right now means to me.  It is the most important thing in my life right now, even more important than my worry over my finances, and that’s saying a lot.  I don’t want to do what I did a few years ago and attempt to shoot for the goal of participating in a bodybuilding competition.  I have too many tattoos to do that anyway.  But I do want to go back to the dedication I had for working out at that time.  I worked out for 3-4 hours a day on the days I didn’t work and for around an hour and a half on the days that I worked.  Once I get my new gym membership, it will be so much easier to accomplish that goal of 3-4 hours of working out on my days off.  Also, once my bicycle is fixed and ready to ride again, that will add to my weekly workout.  But I would plan to also do around an hour of lifting weights on the same day that I ride my bicycle for 2-plus hours.  I will simply have the gym on my bicycling route and will stop in and lift some weights and then finish my ride home.

Things will be so much better for me overall once I’ve lost the 42 pounds I have left to lose and have increased my muscle mass and lowered my body fat percentage.  It will be so much better when working out is my favorite thing to do again.  I will be so much less stressed about everything in general.  All my frustrations will be worked out in the gym or on the bicycle or the treadmill or the elliptical. 

I can’t wait to enjoy how my body looks again.  I keep flashing back to when I had a body closer to my ideal for myself.  I keep seeing the pictures I had taken of myself back then and how my body felt so much better and how I could wear just about anything I wanted.  Problem was that I didn’t appreciate my body back then.  I just took it for granted.  I took it for granted that I would always work out and that I would always look that way.  But I was wrong.  So very wrong.  How could I know that a few years later, I would meet the guy whom I would think was the absolute love of my life and that I would completely let myself go?  How could I know that I would put on as much weight as I did?  How could I know the emotional effect he would have and the resulting physical effects?  How could I have known?  I couldn’t have.  But I won’t make that mistake again.  Working out will be priority number 1 in my life and I will fight to keep it in that number 1 slot.  Any man that wants to be part of my life will just have to accept that about me.  I will not become a lump of jiggly flesh ever again.  I just won’t.  I refuse to allow this to happen to me again.

Being active is important to me and I allowed that to be lacking when I was with Jon-Pierre.  I allowed him to dictate my level, or lack, of activity.  I allowed my dedication to him to determine whether or not I had enough time to remain active and continue working out.  In order to spend more time with him, I would stay up late at night and then not get much sleep.  So, in the afternoons, when I would normally go to the gym and workout, I was napping, trying to catch up on my sleep instead.  As a result, I stopped working out altogether and paved the way for my weight gain.  I should have never allowed that to happen.  Now I have to work hard to get back on track.  But I will succeed, there’s no question about that.  I am fully dedicated to this goal.

I’m quite a bit frustrated right now.  See, since I changed my diet per the nutritional consult at the natural health center 2 weeks ago, not only have I not lost weight, but I’ve actually gained half a pound.  Sure, I’ve been working out every day, but I’m not lifting weight so I shouldn’t be putting on enough muscle mass to completely arrest my weight loss and even cause a slight gain.  I should still be losing, even if it’s only a pound a week. 

This is an extremely disheartening thing for me because I lose my motivation very easily.  And, believe me, stalling out completely on my weight loss for 2 weeks now will more than adequately kill my motivation and give me the “why should I even bother” attitude about it.  I don’t want it to be that way and am forcing myself to remain focused and to keep my goal in mind and to stay positive.  I have to pep-talk myself to keep myself from being negative over the whole thing.  It’s just so hard when I should be down 2-4 pounds and I’m actually up half a pound.

I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.  I’m eating a controlled amount of carbs.  I’m eating lots of quality protein.  I’m eating fresh veggies.  I’m cooking 2 of my 3 meals a day.  Only one of my meals is a prepared meal in a box.  I eat a high protein yogurt and a can of tuna for my snacks.  I just don’t understand why I’ve stalled. 

I took my last dose of the prescribed herbs this morning.  I don’t see how, but maybe they’re the culprit.  The reason I don’t see how they would be to blame is because they make me feel more balanced and calm and relaxed.  I’m getting good sleep again, and that should be helping me lose weight.

I struggle with what I think may be borderline bulimia.  I have times where I’m emotionally vulnerable and so I binge on whatever I can get my hands on.  I will just eat and eat and eat until it hurts.  The whole while, I’ll be thinking to myself “why am I eating?  I’m not hungry.”  But I can’t make myself stop.  When I get overly frustrated or overwhelmed at all emotionally, that’s what I feel compelled to turn to.  I seek out food.  I never acknowledged it before, but now I think there’s an actual problem there and I don’t like it one bit.

Half a Pound

Some people think I'm beating myself up over the whole thing with Jon-Pierre.  Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but it doesn't really matter in the end.  The base truth of the matter is that I allowed it to happen and therefore, deep down, it is my own fault that I got into the situation that I got into with him.  Things really went downhill the night that I wasn't able to sleep alone in the bed without him laying next to me.  I should have known something was wrong at that point.  I mean, seriously, how could I have not realized that?  Probably because the relationship was still fairly new and we had the whole "honeymoon" thing going on so it seemed to make sense that I had that "problem."

And if you think I'm beating myself up simply because I keep bringing the subject up, then let me tell you that is not the case.  It's like therapy.  Every time I talk about it, I get a little better.  So, you see, if I don't talk about it and I keep it bottled up, then I am doing myself no favors.  I would only be doing myself more harm.

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The daily exercising is going well.  I did my second time on the treadmill this past Friday.  It went a little better than the first time simply because I knew what to expect this time.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to jog much further than 200 yards at a time.  I also knew that I wouldn't be able to go much longer than 15 minutes and that my cut off would be at a mile.  So, it went well, I think.  My goal is to double what I'm currently able to do and be able to go 1/4 mile before having to stop and walk.  I'm hoping I can get there in 4-6 weeks.  When I reach that goal, my new goal will be to go 1/2 a mile without walking and so on and so forth until I'm able to jog a full 3 miles without stopping to walk.  When I can do that on the treadmill, then I will start jogging outside.  I'll want to do that when it's not as hot outside, so that means waking up early twice a week on my days off to go jogging.  I'm giving myself a year to reach my goal of 3 miles, but I am hoping that it won't take that long.  But I have allotted the time, so if it does take that long, then it's okay with me.

I am selling a chest freezer that I've had in my storage unit for a couple years now for $175.  I'll be able to take that money and buy a new crank for my bicycle.  Once I have the new crank on my bicycle, then I can start going for a bicycle ride once a week.  I say only once a week because when I go for a bicycle ride I don't fool around.  I go for 2, 3, 4 hours at a time.  I will, of course, stick with the 2 hours at first because I don't want to overdo it and hurt myself.  I will start with just going around the park trail near where I live.  Once I've done that for a couple weeks, then I'll start taking longer trips that have some topography to them.  I'll start using my bicycle to get around town on my days off to run errands and such.

Around the beginning or middle of May, I'll be able to get a new gym membership, which means I can add at 3 days of weight lifting a week to my schedule.  I can and will do the weights on days that I also do some sort of cardio.  I will probably keep the weights to my days off.  As a result of that, I may lift weights 4 times a week every other week to correspond with all of my days off.  I want to do as much exercise as I can safely manage to do.  I want nothing more than to be healthy and fit again and to have my body back.  I don't want to look in the mirror and be disgusted by what I see anymore.

Last week, I didn't see any change in my weight, staying at exactly the same as I had been the week before, down to the 10th of a pound even.  This week, I feel as though I have lost some and hope to see that reflected on the scale.  I believe that I can make the weight loss happen.  I believe that it is possible and completely doable.

This week, I actually gained half a pound, but I'm going to do my best to not let that get me down.  I've got to remain focused on the positive and keep up the exercise on a daily basis.  Besides, as a friend pointed out, maybe I've put on a little muscle mass and that's why I haven't lost anything.  I can hope, right?

Today, I bought me a nice pair of running shoes.  So, now, when I use the treadmill, maybe my shins won't burst into flames again.  The shoes I got have a stability focus since it seems I roll my ankles in as I stride, which is most likely what caused my shin pain in the first place.

Getting Over It

In my first week back to work, I set about creating some new, healthy habits for myself.  First, every day that I work, I use the elliptical in the fitness room for 45 minutes.  The elliptical machine is not your typical elliptical.  It doesn’t have the arm levers like most of them do.  In fact, this is the first one I’ve seen that didn’t have them.  So, I consider it an elliptical stair climber, haha.  Anyway, I use that every day that I work, so that’s 3-4 times a week.  Then, on my days off, I either walk for 2 hours or do a walk/jog session on the treadmill in my apartment’s fitness room. 

I did the walk/jog session for the first time the other day and I completely overanticipated what I would be capable of doing.  I was hoping to be able to do an hour of going back and forth between walking and jogging.  Yea, after 15 minutes, I was ready to curl up on the floor and die.  My windpipe was on fire because I don’t breathe properly when I run.  I breathe through my mouth, which is apparently a no-no.  You should breathe through your nose and out through your mouth because then your nose conditions the air as you breathe it in, thus resulting in your windpipe not feeling as though it has burst out in flames or that you swallowed a sheet of sandpaper.

I’ve come up with another idea (it’s not in any way a new idea) for myself.  Since I sit in an office chair at home to watch tv and use the computer and I own a balance ball, I thought I could substitute the office chair for the balance ball for about an hour each day and do leg squeezes with it while I peruse the internet or watch a program.  I don’t know why this thought didn’t cross my mind sooner.  It’s an absolutely brilliant idea.  And if I couple it with using little ab roller, my core muscles will be whipped into shape in no time!

On my days off from work, my working out will consist of twice a week doing the walking/jogging sessions on the treadmill, which I hope to increase up to jogging for a full ¼ mile before I have to stop and walk, and doing a 2-hour power walk.  Once I have the money and replace the crank on my bicycle, then I will be able to go for bike rides as well on my days off.  At the end of this month, I’ll be able to afford a new gym membership so that I can start lifting weights and attending fitness classes.  I’m really looking forward to that.

Fitness was once a very important component of my life.  I want it to be that way again.  I want it to be the most important component of my life.  I want to be fit and healthy in every way possible.  I want to enjoy my body again.  I want to look in the mirror and not reel with disgust at what I see reflected back to me in all its jiggly glory.

I really don’t understand how I allowed myself to get this way.  Sure, Jon-Pierre would always choose where we ate.  And sure, he never wanted to do anything active.  But when it all comes down to it, I was the one that didn’t put my foot down and stand up for myself; I’m the one that allowed it to happen and allowed it to continue.  I am ultimately to blame.  And all because I didn’t want to lose him.  I didn’t want to upset him and make him unhappy with me, too bad he was already otherwise unhappy with me.  He would tell me it was my turn to choose where we ate or what we did and every suggestion I would make he would shoot down.  I would then proceed to make 3 or 4 more suggestions, all of which he would subsequently shoot down as well, so I would give up and just tell him to choose.  He never wanted to do anything I wanted to do.  And really, that should have been a flag for me.  Good relationships are equal, both participating in something the other enjoys, even if you don’t like it.  And I participated in plenty of things that I didn’t enjoy just so I could do things with him and share experiences with him.

I hate it when I allow my fear of being alone and lonely to get the better of me.  Being alone isn’t so bad…at least, until I allow myself to feel lonely and detached, longing for intimacy.  Of course, this can’t be avoided.  It’s human nature to connect with each other and feel the bonds of friendship and romance.  So I know I shouldn’t feel bad about letting it get the better of me, except that when that happens, I tend to act rashly and not think things through, only wanting to be with someone, at any cost.  And that’s when mistakes are made…mistakes like my entire relationship with Jon-Pierre.  I really don’t think I learned anything that I could take away from the whole miserable experience except that love is a mistake and I don’t know how accurate that is.  Of course, early on (and I have no idea why), but I thought that Lady GaGa’s song “Bad Romance” described our relationship.  How right I was and didn’t even know it.  Because our relationship was truly a “bad romance” in every possible way.

I know I keep going back to my relationship with Jon-Pierre, but I guess that’s just because he affected me so deeply in so many different ways.  I was definitely deeply in love with him, more in love with him than I had been with anyone in 10 years.  He got under my skin so easily and effectively.  It was effortless for him to slip under there.  He made me into the damsel in distress that he required so that I would be his “type.”  Then, because I wasn’t the strong and independent woman he began dating, I became unpleasant and inconvenient to him.  I was now annoying and needy and clingy.  Love can be an ugly thing sometimes and how I acted with him wasn’t pretty at all.

Jon-Pierre put me up on a pedestal and then walked away.  He built himself up to be completely romantic and caring and attentive and then he just stopped.  When he stopped so abruptly, it made me crave it.  I was a love-sick crackhead.  It was a dangerous thing for me to feel and act this way.  I was completely irrational and frenzied and desperate.  I craved the attention that he had withdrawn from me.  I needed the love that he suddenly refused to give me.  It’s not like we had been in the relationship for a while and we had just settled into a pattern.  If that had been the case, I wouldn’t have freaked out over it.  It would have been comfortable and okay.  It wouldn’t have been cause for panic attacks.  The way he acted, or didn’t act, made me believe that he was cheating on me, or at least talking to other women behind my back.  Which, it turned out, he was.

He also didn’t stay single for very long after he and I went our separate ways.  That really didn’t come as a surprise seeing as how he and his previous girlfriend before me had only been apart for maybe a week when he and I started dating.  That alone should have been a huge flag, especially when I found out that he was still living with the girlfriend before her when he started dating her.  I repeat, huge flag. 

I know he didn’t stay single for very long after me and even that he may have been already dating before he and I had actually broken up because of a car I saw him getting out of the driver’s side door the other day.  It’s a car I started seeing shortly after he moved out of my apartment and into his own apartment within the same complex.  I’m not even sure if he waited until he moved out of my apartment before he started seeing her.  He would sneak out in the middle of the night and allegedly go to a 24-hour coffee shop where he’d play on the internet.  He even once sent me a random picture of him at the coffee shop with his headphones on…as proof, I guess.  But so much in our relationship was a lie or a case of misleading information that I really wouldn’t put it past him to find out that he was already having some kind of intimate relationship with me.

He broke my heart like my heart had never been broken before.  I was crushed and frantic with extreme levels of anxiety and panic.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I gained more than 20 pounds due to the stress.  It was a horrible time for me.  I was completely miserable and distraught.  I could barely function.  What compounded it even more was that I had just injured my back when he decided to pull away like he did.  He couldn’t have had worse timing if he had tried.

I’m slowly healing.  This one really tore me apart and ate me up inside.  It won’t be a rapid recovery.  It’s already been almost 6 months since he and I split and I’m still all tore up about it.  When I go to my truck, I still catch myself glancing up at his balcony or over at his motorcycle that hasn’t moved in almost 2 weeks since he moved the new girl in.  It’s almost automatic as it’s not something I actually want to do.  I want to not care anything about him.  I mean, the relationship was only 7 months long.  It shouldn’t still be having an affect on me like it is.  I glare at his door when I walk past it as I go up or down the stairs to my apartment.  I hope every day that when his lease is up, that he moves because, frankly, I was there first, I’m not going anywhere.  Besides, I’m moving at the end of next year, so I don’t want to move again toward the end of this year.  He is now an intruder in my life.  His presence is not welcome, yet there he is.  There are the possibilities of random run-ins in the parking lot.  I don’t have to worry about running into him again while he’s walking his new girlfriend’s dog as I no longer have a dog of my own to walk.

This is definitely harder than I ever thought it would be for me.  Thankfully, I have stopped crying over it for a long time now.  I have stopped losing sleep over it.  I now only feel anxiety over things that actually deserve to be felt anxious about, like bills and finances and vehicle issues and stuff like that.  I no longer lay awake at night wondering what I did that was so wrong, what about me that was so bad, that he had to leave me the way he did.  I know now that I didn’t DO anything wrong and there isn’t anything BAD about me.  I’m human and I make mistakes.  One of those mistakes was dating him.  That’s the only thing I did wrong and no, it doesn’t mean I deserve to be punished or anything like that.  It just means I need to be more careful and to raise my standards a little bit.  And, right now, my standards are impossibly high because I don’t want to get involved with anyone at all.  I don’t want to be in a relationship beyond friendship with anyone.

When I told a friend my plan to stay single for the remainder of my time in Texas and that I hoped to remain single for another year after moving to Oregon, she exclaimed “You know what’s going to happen now that you’ve said that, right?  You’re going to meet the man you’re meant to be with before the end of next year!”  I said that was fine so long as he is willing to move to Oregon because I’m moving at the end of next year, no matter what.  I’m putting my foot down on this and I refuse to budge.  The only thing that would change my mind is if he had lots of money and would be willing to take me to Oregon twice a year for visits, which I highly doubt will ever happen.  So, therefore, I’m moving to Oregon, no matter what!

New Ways

Well, I’m back at work now and I’m doing my actual job, not just riding a desk on light duty.  It feels good.  It feels good to wear my uniform again, even if it is a little tight on me at the moment.  But that will be remedied with time.  I am back to sticking with my Weight Watchers plan, so I should start losing the weight again.  I am a little insecure when dealing with the inmates right now.  That will get better the more I readjust to being an officer again and the more time I spend in the housing units and spend dealing with the inmates.  I also have to remember to do things throughout the day that, just because I’ve been away from it for as long as I have, I have completely forgotten about.

Since my uniform is a little tight right now, my pants are squeezing me around the abdomen, I’m having some acid reflux issues that I haven’t had in almost 2 months now.  I have a little workout schedule going on now that I’m back to working at the full capacity of my job.  Every day that I work, I do 45 minutes on the elliptical machine, which is more like an elliptical stair climber because it doesn’t have the normally present arm levers that you pump back and forth while you stride.  I wish it had those because that would be a much better workout, but it’s better than no workout at all as far as I’m concerned.

I’m looking forward to being able to expand my repertoire of exercise and activity in the near future.  I need to wait until I’ve gotten rid of my payday loan before I can seriously consider getting a new gym membership.

I go to a natural health center that does acupuncture, acupressure, natural allergy relief, nutritionist consultations, and herbs.  They have 2 different cleanses that you can partake of.  The first one is a 7-day cleanse and runs about $75.  One of the results of this cleanse is that you lose about 10 pounds during that seven days.  I’m really looking forward to doing it.  It will probably be at the beginning of May before I can do it.  I know that dropping those 10 pounds in only a week will do wonders for my self esteem and my motivation to keep up the good work when it comes to losing weight.  Another thing the cleanse will do is to boost my metabolism overall so that I burn fat more efficiently, thus improving

So, I went in for one of my appointments at the natural health center, they did a nutritional consultation with me.  Turns out that my current “diet” is pretty healthy as is.  The only issue she had with it turned out to be a valid one…I’ve been eating a bowl of cereal with skim milk each morning.  Then, within 3 hours, I’m starving.  She told me to try some protein instead.  So, this morning, I had 2 scrambled eggs with cut up bacon, asparagus and mushrooms scrambled it.  Delicious.  And it was over 4 hours before I was hungry again.  So, I have a new breakfast routine.  One that will probably help me to lose more weight!

The center also did an herbal consultation for me.  I got a blend of Chinese herbs that is aimed toward resolving anxiety.  I’m really hoping that it works.  Of course, I may have to wait until I’ve gotten rid of my payday loan before I can use the herb blend on a regular basis

My finances are so completely messed up right now.  If I had known just how messed up they were, I would have waited on buying the pair of eyeglasses I ordered last week.  Sure, I need them, but waiting another month when I’ve been without them for so long already wouldn’t have killed me.  It’s not like one of my eyes was about to pop out if I didn’t hurry up and get eyeglasses.

Thanks to the around $2200 in repairs I had to have done to my truck, I am B-R-O-K-E.  I had to get a damn payday loan to pay the down payment on the repairs (which was half the total cost) and then the mechanic shop financed the other half at 6 monthly payments of $204.  Lovely.  So now I’m shelling out just over $600 a month for all of that.  I need to get on the ball and make my short term disability claim so I can pay off the payday loan with that check.  Once that’s taken care of, I’ll be okay financially again and can breathe a nice, deep sigh of relief.

I am rehoming my little dog, “Miss Q.”  I’m going to miss her so very much, but it’s in her best interest that she have a new home.  She’s bored and generally not happy in my home.  Sure, we go for hour and a half to 2-hour walks a couple/few times a week, but other than that, our interaction is quite limited.  I’m going to miss her snuggling up to me at night to sleep.  I’m going to miss her little antics when I would get her all excited and she would dance and run around the apartment.  I will miss her cute little face and her big, soulful eyes.  But at least I can visit her.

She’s going to a friend of mine’s home.  A friend that only works 8-hour shifts instead of the 12-hour shifts I work.  So that’s less time for her in the crate, which equates to less stress on her.  Also, she has 2 adorable and fun little children and she absolutely LOVES little children.  So, right there, I know she will be happier.  She’ll get to play with them every day and I know that Heather will take good care of her.  Heather has been trained as a veterinary assistant, so she’s very knowledgeable about dogs and how to care for them the best.  Heather is also a runner, and I think that Miss Q would enjoy a short run every now and then.  She’s so cute when she runs too.

See, at heart, I’m really a cat person and if I’m going to have a dog, I need to make sure that the dog is a breed that is okay with very little human interaction, or at least very little activity.  Also, I think it would be better if I do get my next dog as a puppy so that I can properly bond with it.

I think I would be best suited with a female pug.  Pugs require low amounts of daily activity as a breed generality.  They are somewhat cat-like in that they don’t require huge amounts of human interaction like most, more active dogs.  They are content to lounge around the house and be just fine with that.  I specifically said a female pug, not because I prefer female animals (because, frankly, I prefer male animals), but because female pugs are more likely to be even more cat-like in nature than the males are.  The males are more snuggly.  And I’m all for snuggly, I just don’t want it all the time.  Besides, my cat already demands daily snuggles.

Also, I don’t think that pugs are big barkers and I don’t really like it when dogs bark.  I like my quiet when I’m at home.  And even if I got a pug that was inclined to bark, I don’t think they have a yippy-yappy type bark that is particularly annoying.  And I don’t want my dog to be annoying to me, kind of defeats the purpose of having a dog in the first place if it annoys you.  I want my dog to be a joy to me.  I want to thoroughly enjoy my relationship with my dog.

Even though I’m against getting animals from breeder and am an advocate for adopting shelter animals, I think I will be getting my little puggie from a breeder.  That’s the only way I can guarantee full bonding with my new puppy.  I mean, of course, I will check out pug rescue organizations to see if they have any puppies, but puppies don’t stay long in ANY rescue or shelter set up.  With a breeder, I would be guaranteed my puppy.

And, if I get my future puppy from a breeder, I can research the paternity of the puppy and find out what the potential health problems may be.

After Miss Q went to her new home the other day, it hit me a little bit.  It first hit when I handed Heather the leash and then we walked down the stairs.  Miss Q kept running back up the stairs to be next to me while I was trying to walk Heather’s 2-year old daughter down the stairs.  Then, later that evening, when I went to bed and she wasn’t already in the bed waiting for me so she could snuggle up to me.  In the morning, it hit me that I didn’t have to feed her.  It consoles me to know that she is happier with her new family.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to be with anyone at all.  I see people every day that seem to have found the person that they are supposed to love, or at least the person that is supposed to love them.  I go through life every day wondering what went so horribly wrong in my life that I am seemingly not meant to find love.  Or, if I do find it, it’s corrupt and I’m not meant to keep it. 

Most men I date will claim they don’t want kids at the beginning of the relationship because I’ve stated I do not want children and never have.  They proceed then to attempt to persuade me into wanting children.  I didn’t play house or anything like that growing up.  I didn’t play with baby dolls or Barbie dolls.  The only doll I had that I liked was my homemade Sally doll that my paternal grandmother had made for me as a Christmas present when I was about 4.  But, I didn’t play with it or carry it around with me like a security blanket.  I only slept with it on my bed.

I begin to wonder if I’m not meant to find real love until after my child-bearing years have finally and mercifully passed me by.  Sometimes, this thought makes me feel defeated, like I’ve given in and given up something intrinsic to my being.

Why is it that girls are schooled from a young age that they MUST find a mate, a man to make their life complete.  Why are we taught that we are not whole beings on our own, nor can we achieve this status until we find a companion?  I believe that if this was not something to be ingrained into our minds from practically the time of our first steps that I would not feel any loss at being completely and irrevocably single right now.  I would revel in my singleness.  I would find joy in my freedom.  But, instead, I long for that connection that only a loving and intimate relationship can create for me.

After much thought, I came to the realization that the last time I was truly happy and at peace with my life was when I was single for 2 years.  This was about 4 years ago.  I ruined it by feeling lonely.  I allowed myself to be pressured and guilted into dating a specific guy by someone I believed to be my friend (a couple years after this, it became quite apparent that she was not my friend and that she was extremely immature and selfish and manipulative), and therefore maybe knowing what may have been best for me that I just couldn’t see myself.  I dated him for 2 years, but the relationship was truly done after only 6 months when he hacked his way into my social network account.  If he really wanted to know what was in my account, all he had to do was ask, I had nothing to hide, but instead he went behind my back like the little weasel he really was.  But I didn’t see this about him.  I was infatuated with being in a relationship, with not being alone to face the world.  The sad truth is not so much that I want to actually be in a relationship so much as I simply don’t want to be alone. 

I never really thought of myself as a people person, always considering myself a bit of a loner.  When I found myself off from work for 3 weeks as a result of having surgery, I found out that I was a people person.  I experienced such an overwhelming sense of disconnection and crushing loneliness.  It was almost more than I could bear.  I became increasingly angry and hostile toward people over the internet.  I would figuratively bite their heads off over the littlest things.  I felt like such an ass and yet, I couldn’t stop myself.  It was more than a compulsion, it was practically a necessity.  It was a cry for attention and a cry for help all in one.