Learning To Love Myself

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I tend to want to have direction in my life.  I like having someone tell me what I’m supposed to do and for how long to do it and in what way and where and how.  I rarely take any initiative in my own life.  No wonder I’m not able to fully connect with my inner self and make lasting changes to my behavior. 

I recently started reading this book by Bob Harper (of Biggest Loser tv fame).  It’s called Are You Ready!  Sure the title is a little silly because that is technically a question but they used it as a statement, so it doesn’t really make sense.  But I suppose it works.  It makes you question what the book is about.  I’m still in part 1 of 3, but I can tell this is a great book and is going to help me out in my process of changing things in my life.  It covers subjects like accepting yourself as you are, forgiving yourself for your perceived failures, and learning to love yourself by focusing on just one thing about yourself that you like or that you’re good at (for instance, I have GREAT calf and shin muscles and I’m really good at problem solving).

This book was a gift from my bestie, Jessica, when she came down to visit me at the beginning of May.  Now that I’ve finally gotten to reading it I’m really glad she did.    I think it’s going to help me out a good deal.  Especially now that my therapist has worked out a good payment arrangement with my copays so that I’m financially able to continue seeing her on a regular basis. 

I’m really hoping to make some progress with getting a handle on my binge eating and being able to tell myself “no” when it comes to eating food beyond what I need to eat.  A couple times over the last week and a half, I’ve been able to rein myself in, but for the most part I’ve been generally unsuccessful with controlling my eating of excess food.

I am pretty sure that my binge eating stems from my relationship with “JP” because before him, I didn’t have this problem.  I do it for comfort, I’m pretty sure of that as well.  I probably also do it because I don’t feel worthy and I lack confidence in myself to make good and positive changes in my life.  I’m probably also afraid of actually making changes.  Change is scary.  Especially when you lack confidence in yourself like I do.

Sure, I like to make like I’m self-confident and self-assure.  I like to act like I’m not afraid of what will happen if I do this or that.  But really, I’m terrified to make the changes I need to make, even though I know that I need to make them.  I’m really hoping that therapy will help me learn to love myself again and will help me gain confidence in myself and not be afraid to make changes in my life.

Man vs House

One of the guys at work has said that he can hook me up with a guy that I would like.  I like the idea, but I’m not sure I like the long term implications of it.  I mean, if he succeeds and finds a guy that I really do like and start dating him, then there is a lot about how my life is currently that will have to change.  Or, maybe not HAVE to change, but it is highly likely that it would change.  The plans I’ve made with my guy friend would pretty much no longer be.  For instance, we have a trip in his RV planned to go see the cliff dwellings in Colorado, the Grand Canyon and maybe Carlsbad Cavern next spring.  Then, the following year, we’re planning to go to Hawaii for a week or so. 

Also, this friend helps me out a lot with repairs on my car…I’m not sure how that would change…I actually hope that part wouldn’t have to change.  But there would be thank you dinners that I would take him out for that the new boyfriend might not approve of.  But then, I’m not seeking someone else’s approval of anything I do.  But the road trips and vacations of just me and him would be a definite “no.” 

So, I’m thinking that if the co-worker does find me a nice guy that’s taller than me and has tattoos and isn’t a pushover pansy or a total control freak, then it’s going to have to be a relationship that is somewhat casual and not exactly serious.  I mean, I won’t be dating anyone else and I would hope he’s not either, but unless he’s also a mechanic that can take over helping me with the repairs on my car, then I don’t see myself committing my life to him.  Also, I would want someone that would actually want to take roadtrips to those places with me and who could afford to take me to Hawaii.  I guess you could say that I can more easily list what I want in a house to buy than I can in a guy to date.

Speaking of….

I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking about what I want in a house if I do end up buying in a couple years.  I’ve been thinking of what are the major things that I need to be sure of in a house that I want to buy.  I’ve come up with a short list to include the roof being in good condition, the a/c unit being replaced within the past 5 years, the fence in good condition, and no structural problems (to include termites).  That is the list of MUST haves. 

On my list of wants, I include a window over the kitchen sink.  I’d like to be able to grow herbs or small flowering plants in the window.  I’d also like a high window in the shower area.  I’d like an en suite bathroom for the master bath and a second bathroom for guests.  That way, my bathroom can be a mess and it doesn’t matter because the guest bathroom will be kept nice and tidy.  A deck off the back of the house or a nice sized patio would be great for get-togethers with friends. 

Things I want to do after I’ve bought the house are to create a water feature in the backyard.  I want a small pond with a waterfall that I can put fish in.  I want to build some raised garden boxes so that I can plant a small garden with zucchini, summer squash, tomatoes, maybe strawberries and some other things that would be nice to have fresh.  I have some pretty good plans for a house if I do indeed buy one.  And I really do think I will prefer to buy over rent.

So, to put it simply, it is easier for me to say what I want/need in a house than what I want/need in a man.

Plans To Stay

So, I’ve recently decided that I’m going to remain in Texas…at least until I retire from my current job.  And I guess I could stop calling it a job and refer to it as what it has actually become: my career.  I have 15½ years left before I’m eligible for retirement.  I’ll still be relatively youngish…50.  That’s still young enough to get training in another, non-physically demanding field (I’m thinking medical billing and coding or something similar) and work that until I can no longer work.

After I had come to this decision, my apartment complex found out about my cat, Vladimir.  I have gotten away with not paying the pet deposit for 3 years now.  It was bound to happen eventually that I would get found out.  So, I’ve now paid the pet deposit.  I figure that since I’ve paid the pet deposit I might as well get the second cat I’ve been wanting for quite some time now.  I’m going to make myself wait until the fall because I need to finish some repairs on my car first.  But I’ll be getting me an orange tabby.  If it’s a girl, I’ll name her Olivia.  If it’s a boy, Dexter.

On top of all this, I’ve decided that if I’m going to be staying in Texas for a while then I might as well make myself comfortable.  By that I mean that I don’t want to live in my apartment for the next 15½ years.  So, I’ve decided that, 2 years from now, I want to try to buy a house.  Might as well, right?  Then after I’ve reached retirement age, I will place the house on the market and when it sells is when I will turn in my notice at the jail and start making my plans to move to Oregon.

90-day challenge

I’m doing this 90-day challenge with my friend Jessica.  It’s the ViSalus meal replacement protein shakes (if interested: http://rainnnaturelover.myvi.net/).  You do 2 a day and then eat a healthy meal for dinner, maybe even a healthy snack or two as well.  Anyway, I’ve got to start getting serious about it.  But that goes with resisting my binge eating urges.  If I can get a handle on those urges 85% of the time, I’ll be doing great.

There are over 100 recipes to make with the shake mix to make all sorts of smoothies and shakes and coolers.  Today I went to the store and bought a whole bunch of stuff for this purpose and I can’t wait to start trying them!  The recipes I’ve tried so far have all been really good.  So I’m excited to start trying some of these other recipes.  I bought a good assortment of frozen fruits (peaches, raspberries, blackberries, cherries, pineapple, and mango) and juices and even Sprite Zero to make a spritzer cooler with the mix.

Last night after work I baked some zucchini bread.  It came out a little dry and heavy because I over substituted with the whole wheat flour.  I think I did like a ¾ or more substitution when it shouldn’t have been more than a ½ substitution.  It still tastes good; it’s just a little dry and heavy.  I know better for next time.  But, now I’m all in the mood to cook and bake things.  So, I’m thinking early next week I’ll make me an enchilada casserole, family recipe.  That’s one of my favorites.

Dr. H

So, I’ve started seeing a therapist.  It’s long overdue really.  I’ve been just coasting along for the last year and a half since JP royally screwed me over emotionally and mentally.  I mean, he really did a doozy on me.  I seriously cannot trust a guy in any respect other than as my friend.  I have no desire to be intimate in any way, shape, or form with a man.  It’s not that I’m “afraid” to get involved, it’s just that I don’t feel the need or the want to get involved with anyone on that level.  I am in a place of liking my singleness and liking the freedom to do as I please and not have to worry about someone else’s wants, needs or whims. 

I’ve only had one session with Dr. H so far, but I have the sense that she will be able to help me with some breakthroughs.  I’m really hoping she can help me get a handle on my binge eating.  I really struggle with the overwhelming urges to eat junk and eat as much of it as I possibly can.  She agrees with me that JP has something to do with my binge eating urges because I didn’t have this problem before I met him.  She’s going to help me explore ways to soothe myself that don’t involve stuffing my face when I feel stressed in any way.

Dr. H gave me a little homework assignment for this week.  She wants me to track whether or not I gave into my urges on a daily basis.