Overeating

Thursday, I overate a little bit.  I had 2 regular bags of M&Ms, 2 small tortillas (plain) and some crackers with peanut butter.  This never would have happened except that I had an overwhelming tiredness going on that day…and I was at work and unable to go to a grocery store and buy myself a couple apples…which would have been the best choice by far to help wake me up.  The M&Ms ended up doing the trick and getting me through the end of my shift, but at what cost?  I probably consumed about 1000 calories that I otherwise would have not eaten just because I was lethargic.  Another option I could have pursued would have been to give a coworker that has a very large coffee percolator that he charges $1 a day if you want coffee from it.  I had a dollar in my pocket and I totally should have just had a cup or two more of coffee.  Even if I put cream in it, that would have been WAY less calories for the day.

But, overall, I’m not getting down on myself about it because it only happened once.  I didn’t repeat it on Friday and the rest of the week before Thursday was just fine and within my acceptable calories for the day.  Speaking of, I think I need to start tracking what I’m eating again.  So, today, I will get back on my sparkpeople.com account and do just that.  I’m sure I’m eating between 1500 and 1800 calories a day.  I’m eating a good amount of volume type foods…like fruits and veggies…and filling up on them.  I have a little splurge with my afternoon veggies by dipping them in a light ranch dressing.  I have cereal for breakfast and put a goo d 1% milk in it to keep it tasting good and lower in calories and fat.  For lunch, I eat 2 tuna salad sandwiches on those sandwich thins bread (they’re round and have half the calories of regular bread…because they’re half as thick…but I don’t like my sandwiches to be super bready anyway).  In the afternoon, I eat a Ziploc bag of fruit (like plums or grapes), a Ziploc bag of baby carrots (with ranch), and a Ziploc bag of sliced cucumber (also with ranch).  For dinner, I eat a protein (chicken, fish, shrimp, etc.) and a large serving of veggies.  I think that’s a pretty balanced day of eating, don’t you?  After I track my calories, if it’s not as much as I think it is, then I may adjust what I eat for breakfast by adding 2 eggs along with my cereal and milk.  A little extra protein is always a good thing.

P90X Progress

I've had 6 really good workouts so far this week.  I love that I bought that adjustable pull up bar that allows me to do “girl” pull ups.  That’s awesome because I can’t even do just 1 regular pull up.  I’d completely miss out on like half of two different workouts (the Chest & Back and the Legs & Back workouts)…and that’s just unacceptable to me.  I *must* be able to participate as much as I’m physically able to.  So, when I was in Walmart the other day and saw the Perfect Pull Up bar and it cost less than the other pull up bars that don’t allow you to do “girl” pull ups and just kind of clip on over the top of your door frame.

I’m feeling pretty good about going into my first weekly weigh in tomorrow.  I don’t know if I've really lost any weight yet, but my clothes are definitely a little tiny bit looser.  So, if I haven’t lost any weight, I’m at least sure I haven’t gained any.  The first 3 weeks of P90X don’t have a whole lot of cardio in them and, in my experience, it’s cardio that really burns the fat off my body.  But, I’m also not stupid and am fully aware that strength training burns probably just as many calories as cardio, you just don’t necessarily sweat as much…unless, of course, you’re rapid fire going from one exercise to the next to the next and so on.  But, I know it does burn calories just as well and effectively.  Plus, it also builds muscle, which helps you burn even more calories during your workouts.

I already thought this, but now I’m pretty well convinced of it…P90X is going to do wonders for me and my body and my self-esteem.  My goals that I want to achieve by the end of the 90 days include being able to do the Ab Ripper X workout in its entirety, without stopping to rest and with good form.  I also want to be able to do 3 actual pull ups.  And, last (for now) but not least, I want to lose 30 pounds.

About 3 weeks before I’m done with P90X, I’m going to start looking for a copy of P90X2 on craigslist to buy.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to find a copy of it or a used original just because it hasn’t been out on the market for very long.  So, I may end up buying it new.  I’d rather not spend that much money, but I will if I have to.  I’d really like to do P90X2 after I've completed P90X.  Then, of course, after I've completed P90X2, I want to try my hand at the Insanity workout program.

I’m not sure when I’m going to start adding going to the gym into my schedule with P90X, but I do plan to do that.  I want to go like twice a week and do the circuit training area for 30-60 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.  I imagine I’ll wait a few weeks to see how much impact P90X really has on me.  Maybe I’ll only go to the gym on my days off, which would be on Fridays and Saturdays, making it 2 days in a row, where I’d really rather break it up and put a few days in between the trips to the gym.  I’ll get it all felt and figured out.

Fitness/Weight Loss

On top of my own personal fitness/weight loss challenge that I’m doing with the P90X and the 80-day weight loss challenge, I get to work yesterday and I’m informed about a fitness challenge that will be starting on August 1^st!  It’s a $10 buy in per person.  It’s not about weight loss, it’s about meeting goals you’ve set out for yourself.  How awesome is that?  I am, of course, going to participate in it.  I’m looking forward to it.  That’s just one more thing to motivate me and help keep me on track to reach my goals and to then maintain them.  You see, the term of the challenge is one year.  So, it’s starts this August 1^st and ends next year on August 1^st.  I plan to reach my goal of 45 lbs lost by my birthday (Dec. 14^th), but then I have to immense task of MAINTAINING that weight loss.  If I can maintain it that long, then I should be good for the long term.  After I've reached my weight loss goal of 45 lbs (hopefully by my goal date), I will set new goals for myself that are strictly fitness based.  For instance, bicycle 50 miles a week or walk 25 miles a week.  Or maybe, it will be to start and complete a fitness program, like P90X2 or Insanity.  I want to go to this place that does non-surgical pain relief.  They claim (and a friend/co-worker has had it done) that they can “cure” shin splints.  I want to do this because I want to start running.  So, if I get that done, another goal of mine can be to do one 5K a month.  The options are practically endless, really.

P90X

I had a little setback this week.  I went to start the P90X program this past Sunday only to find out the discs I had, which were copies of copies of the program, didn’t work properly and so I was unable to start it.  Instead of just popping in another one of my workout dvd’s, I simply gave up.  Thankfully, I didn’t binge.  I just gave up and got in the shower and loafed around on the couch until it was time to go to work.  I was going to try to convince myself to just buy the program new from Beachbody itself, but then I realized that I could possibly find the program used on Craigslist for a lot cheaper.  I found one set for $50, messaged the guy but never heard back from him.  So, I messaged the guy that had it for $30.  That guy messaged me back only to tell me that his set was copies, but they were copies straight from the original and were in picture perfect condition and did come with all the documents that the original program comes with.  Plus, it has 3 discs that I don’t have in my copies of copies.  So that’s a bonus.  I figure, if the discs turn out to be bunk, I only spent $30 on them.  But I’m hoping they work as good as he says they do.  So, I will be starting P90X this coming Sunday and I really couldn’t be more excited about it.  Of course, I’m anxious about it, like I am about starting or doing anything new.  I’m afraid I won’t get bitten by the exercise bug, which I shouldn’t even worry about because I ALWAYS get bitten by the exercise bug, I just have to take the first steps and actually start exercising and it is pretty much guaranteed to happen. 

I’m really hoping that P90X becomes my exercise salvation.  I need something that I look forward to doing every day, something that inspires me to get out of bed in the morning.  I need to sweat.  I need to exert myself.  I need the stress relief.  I know that once I’ve started exercising regularly again, what I’m eating will just fall into place.  I will crave healthier foods.  I will no longer long for junk foods like pizza and cheeseburgers.  Baked chicken, baked fish and loads of grilled and steamed veggies will be what my body wants more than anything else.

I’ve already taken my beginning measurements and pictures.  I was sad to see that of the 24 pounds I lost at the beginning of this year, I had regained 20 of them.  Ugh.  That puts me back at 205.  And that means that I now have upwards of 45 pounds left to lose, instead of just 30 or 35.  I’ve set a goal timeframe of getting below 170 by my birthday, December 14^th.  That’s 5 months.  That means I need to lose at least 7 pounds a month to achieve the 35 pounds, which would put me at 170.  I can totally do that.  It’s not unreasonable in the slightest.

So, I’m restarting this journey that I started at the beginning of this year.  I’m hitting the reset button on my goals for myself.  And I’m going to post my progress on here every week.  I’ll retake my measurements every 4 weeks, but I’m going to refrain from taking progress pictures until I’ve reached the end of the 90 days of the program.  But, if I see a good difference from where I was when I started, then I will take new progress pictures.

Retake Control

I’ve been getting the urge to be healthier.  This is a big step in the right direction for me because I’ve had nothing but urges to binge eat and be lazy that refuse to be ignored.  Part of me seems to have finally gotten sick and tired of living that way.  Part of me has gotten over feeling like I failed myself and is tired of me punishing myself with the self-disrespect I’ve been incessantly pummeling myself with for the past 3½ months. 

I’ve done nothing positive with myself during this time that I have felt like a failure.  I’ve only encouraged myself to do as little as possible and eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  And that is no way to live.  I know I’ve gained back at least 15 pounds of the 24 pounds I had lost at the beginning of this year.  I’m trying not to think about this.  I’m trying to focus on just starting over from where I’m at now.  Let me tell you, it *sounds* easy, but it’s not.  It’s not easy when you’re someone that has a habit of hyperanalyzing everything, especially when it comes to her body.

I mean, really, I’m just your average, typical adult female, obsessing over how my body looks, over every little last pound on the scale.  I’m too quick to jump to insulting myself and calling myself a failure and feeling complete disappointment in myself.  I don’t stop and focus on the amount of weight I’ve lost since I first started at the beginning of last year; I focus on the amount of weight I haven’t lost yet.  I’ve got to start praising myself for what I’ve accomplished thus far and not focus on how much of the journey is left to go ahead of me. 

I want to be one of those success stories you read in the magazines or on online blogs.  I want to be a testament to every woman’s ability to focus her energies and do whatever she wants with her life.  She can mold her body into the form she truly desires it to be.  She can sculpt her personality to be as nice or as mean as she wants to be toward others. 

I have to move past the hurt and damage done to me by JP.  I have to learn to accept that it is in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it or erase it.  It’s done and over with.  I have to move on.  I have high hopes that the skills that Dr. H is teaching me will help me to do just that: move on with my life and retake control over myself.