States of Mind

Dr. H gave me some handouts to read between this week’s appointment and next week’s.  One of the first things these handouts cover are the three different states of mind.  There is reasonable mind, which is rational, logical and thinking.  A reasonable minded person is not impulsive or disorganized.  Then, there is the emotional mind.  An emotional minded person is, as the name suggests, ruled by their emotions.  They are very impulsive, never or rarely consider consequences, and can be self-destructive.  Third, there is the wise mind.  A wise minded person has a balance between the reasonable and emotional minds.

When Dr. H brought this up in our session this week, she asked me did I see myself as more of a logic-minded person, or do I base what I do on emotion.  I started to answer that I was a very logical person, rather Spock-like.  But, I stopped myself.  Over eating, binge eating, impulse shopping.  All of these things are NOT logic-based.  They are, in fact, emotional minded.  I was shocked to realize this about myself.

As time has progressed since my split from JP, I have slowly (very slowly, actually) been getting a handle on my impulse shopping.  Which is good because I can’t really afford to shop that way.  Of course, I really can’t afford to over eat and binge eat, yet I do.

Right before I met JP, I quit smoking.  Literally right before…like maybe 2 weeks before was when I had my last cigarette.  As a result, I no longer went out to my patio multiple times a day…or even just once a day, for that matter.  As a result of this, I took away from myself the relaxing practice of sitting on my patio tending to and enjoying my plants.  I had cut myself off from my own little paradise and from nature.  My plants all died due to my lack of tending to them.

I never replaced my patio time with anything else when I quit smoking.  I had taken away from myself the perfect me time activity and introduced myself to a shut-in style life.  No more talking to and petting the green and vibrant leaves of my plants.  No more gazing out at the blue sky with peaceful clouds floating slowly by.  No more listening to birds call or insects chirrup.

As a result of my neglecting my patio in general, it was invaded by wasps.  The whole apartment complex was invaded by them, really.  I had decided last year that I wanted to start using my patio again and set about to start cleaning it, only to find about three wasp nests on my patio itself and two more nests within 10 feet of the edges of my patio.  After many cans of wasp spray and a few visits from the maintenance man armed with the foam wasp killer, I was finally rid of my wasps.  I succeeded in cleaning the patio of all its detritus.  But then, I just didn’t use it.  I never returned to my patio.

Today marks the first time I have sat on my patio with the intent of relaxing.  I plan to do a little reading and a little writing.  Maybe I can make this a daily, or at least a most daily, habit.  If I can get in the habit of writing every day again, that would be a great improvement in my life.

I have the Slacker Radio application on my phone.  My favorite music to listen to on Slacker is their folk rock station.  It’s very relaxing to listen to this style of music for me.  It makes me feel connected to the past, the past that came before me.  It has a traditional Irish fee to it, to me anyway.  I can get lost in it and forget about the world at large.