Ugh

So, the fitness challenge wrapped up 10 days ago.  Then, 4 days later I found out a friend attempted to end his life.  I kept running after a brief, one day hesitation to do so.  Then, I worked a couple double shifts at work and ate a bunch of extra food.  I thought I was keeping it mostly under control and that I wasn’t overdoing things with the food.  However, when I stepped on the scale this morning (“unofficially”), I was appalled at what I saw.  I gained.  I don’t know exactly how much, but it was more than just a couple pounds.  Ugh.  I obviously had nothing under control.  Now, I have to get back to where I was 10 days ago. 

What am I going to do to do this?  I’m going to set new goals.  I’m going to set new parameters for myself.  I mentioned the other day that I was going to change up what I’m eating a little bit, add a little extra lean protein to my day.  I need to refocus myself.  I’m going to continue with the minimum of 3 days of running.  I KNOW I can do that every week, no matter how much overtime I work in a week.  I have a calisthenics circuit workout that I created with days of working overtime in mind.  I would lose about 20-30 minutes of sleep on days when I’m already getting less than usual sleep, but I really need to make sure I’m getting exercise in every day.  I need to make it to the gym for my twice weekly strength training sessions.  And then, on the other days when I have the time, I need to do 45 minutes to an hour of cycling on the trak stand.

I really need to realize that my goals ARE important.  Just because the fitness challenge is over doesn’t mean I’m done.  And, even if I was at my ultimate goal weight of 160, I wouldn’t be “done.”  A new journey would be just beginning…the journey of maintenance.  Obviously, I’m not ready for that journey for 2 reasons.  First, I’m not at my goal weight yet.  Second, I still don’t have my eating habits under control.  I won’t have a chance of success in maintenance if I can’t do that.

I want you guys to know that I’m not perfect.  I want you to know that I struggle.  I want you to realize that I’m just like you…I’m a real person with real problems.  But, I’m going to tell you now, while I will continue to weigh myself weekly, until I am at 172.2 lbs or less again, I won’t be posting my weight.  And it’s not to be keeping things from you, it’s because I’m ashamed and I don’t want to be reminded of my shame.  If it was only a pound or 2 I would post it, but it’s more.  Hopefully, I’m back to posting my weekly weigh ins within the next 2 weeks.

I need to watch what I’m eating when I’m at work.  I’ve sort of gotten in the habit of eating whatever is available at work…again.  Again, I’m having issues with saying no to free food.  I. Must. Stop.  I must.  I was almost thinking that I would be okay without going to a therapist to help me deal with the friend’s suicide attempt, now, I’m thinking I really DO need those therapy appointments.  I get 5 free appointments through the employee assistance program (EAP).  I need to call them again tomorrow and make sure I get set up with a therapist for those 5 visits.