Binge Eating Disorder

I’m tired.  I’m tired of the up and down, the up and down, the up and down.  I’m tired of the 3 steps forward and then 2 steps backward.  I am tired and beyond frustrated.  I’ve said before that I suffer from binge eating disorder (B.E.D.).  This is a real thing and it is actually the most prevalent eating disorder.  Symptoms of binge eating disorder include:

• Eating unusually large amounts of food in a specific amount of time, such as over a 2-hour period
• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
• Eating even when you're full or not hungry
• Eating rapidly during binge episodes
• Eating until you're uncomfortably full
• Frequently eating alone or in secret
• Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating
• Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss

This is all me.  These are behaviors I have, even if those around me don’t notice them.  I’m really good at hiding things from others that I don’t want them to know about.  I frequently feel ashamed of my eating habits.  So frequently.  But I try so hard to not brow-beat myself about it. 

I’ll do great for a week or two or three or maybe even a couple months with controlling my eating, but then something happens and I feel vulnerable due to fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, even happiness.  Whatever the cause, it derails me and before I know it, I’ve stuffed my face with more food than a normal person should eat in an entire day in one sitting.  It’s horrifying when I realize what I’m doing.

I also have issues turning down free/offered food from others.  This is seeded in my deep seeded fear of not being accepted.  I'm afraid that if I don't take the proffered food that the person offering the food will feel snubbed and will no longer accept me as a peer or friend.  Something else I have talked a tiny bit about on here is that I was bullied for most of my school years.  By the time I was in high school I had learned how to make it LOOK like what the other kids said to/about me didn’t bother me, that it didn’t affect me at all.  But deep inside I was crying and hurting so deeply.  The older I got, the better I got at putting on a show that everything was hunky-dory on the outside.

In my last relationship, food was prevalent.  He was a lot of bad things and I dealt with it by eating my emotions.  Until this relationship, I didn’t have a problem with food.  I gained at least 80 pounds in the 7-ish months he and I dated.  He then moved into an apartment 20 feet from mine for the next year and a half and parading his new, extremely younger, girlfriend in front of me almost daily.  I was completely unable to move on with my life.  It is now 4.5 years after he and I parted ways and I am constantly struggling with my relationship with food.  It is extremely unhealthy.  I can lose 5 pounds in a week just to turn around and gain 7 the next week.  Whoa.

I have to get a handle on this.  Seriously.  This is no joke.  But I don’t know what to do.  I could put myself on a strict eating plan.  Heck, I’ve done it more times than I can count, but it never lasts.  When I stick to my eating plans, everything goes right.  But then I have a slip up and that slip up turns into a snowball, turns into an avalanche.  I can’t afford therapy right now and I know that would help me soooooo much.  I really do want to do it, too.  But, until then I need help.  Any help.  If you have any self-help books that have actually helped people with binge eating disorder control their unhealthy eating behaviors, I am more than open to hearing about them.