Anxiety

I was able to put the wheel hub assembly on hold at the parts store and pick it up after work last night.  I am so excited to have been able to buy the dang thing last night and therefore securing my ability to be able to change it out tomorrow morning.  My friend Denise remembered to bring me a piece of 2x4 board to place under the jack so that I can get the rear of my truck jacked up high enough to do more than wiggle the tire off and then back on.  Having the truck high enough to barely be able to get the tire off makes me nervous.

To make matters worse, I have allowed the inspection and the registration to lapse on my truck.  Since I wasn’t able to drive it to work yesterday, the apartment complex personnel saw my expired tags and tagged my truck with a bright lime green sticker stating that if I didn’t get it taken care of that they were going to tow my truck in 15 days.  Great.  Just what I need.  A deadline.  Actually, maybe that is just exactly what I need.  I have procrastinated doing it this long, so why wouldn’t I just push it to the limit and wait a little while longer if I could possibly get away with it.  Thankfully, I will be at work that day, so my truck won’t be home for their towing pleasure on that date so I have a little teensy bit of leeway, but still, I do need to get it taken care of.  I got pulled over for speeding a few weeks ago and the officer didn’t ask to see my insurance nor did he happen to look at my windshield to see if my registration and inspection were current.  I was thankfully saved from being ticketed for things beyond my speed infraction.  And, even at that, he reduced the ticket from 10 over to only 5 over.  I plan to take defensive driving.  I need the discount on my insurance anyway.

I always think better when I’m under pressure.  I solve problems with the precision of a military general when I’m all jittery and high on anxiety.  I don’t in any way pretend to like the way that I feel when I’m in the full grip of a serious anxiety attack, but I do have to respect the way that it turns me into someone that can make decisive decisions.  They may not be quick, but I can guarantee that it will be the most well thought out decision I could possibly make.  I implicitly trust all decisions I make under duress in this fashion because I know that they were thought out in their entirety and that very near every possibility has been explored as much as it could be explored.

I’m a little stressed out right now.  I have been on restrictive duty at work for almost 6 months now.  I had never planned for it to be this way.  I had never wanted it to be this way.  I am being told that if I don’t have some good and definitive answers come Tuesday (that’s when my appointment with the neurosurgeon happens) about a surgery date, how long will recovery from surgery take and when can I return to full duty.  I need the answers to those questions to get another (and last) 90-day extension approved for me to remain on restrictive duty.  If I have those answers then there is a good chance it will get approved, but if I’m not able to get those answers I can either have the doctor sign off saying I can return to full duty or I can, most likely, take a demotion that comes with a very heavy pay cut that I cannot afford to take.  Everything hinges on my appointment with the neurosurgeon.  I’m sure it will go well, I just hope he can give me a surgery date or a time frame within which he will do the surgery so that I can have good answers for my higher-ups at work.  So, while I can feel the anxiety coiled up like a snake deep within my stomach area, I do not feel its imminent need to pounce upon me and take over.  I feel like it will wait to see what the doctor has to tell me before it leaves me broken like a piñata, all my stuffing beaten out of me.