Making it Personal

Things seem to be starting to look up for me again.  My parents agreed to loan me the $300 and today, today my truck passed the safety and emissions test.  So, now my truck is completely legal again.  Hooray!  No more worrying about getting pulled over.  No more worrying about how I'm going to pay the court fees for the tickets I did get.  No more worrying about the courtesy officer towing my truck.  I pick up the FMLA paperwork from my doctor’s office today, so hopefully also no more worrying about being demoted at work because if I'm on FML then they can’t legally touch me. 

Of course, the doctor only signed the paperwork with 2 weeks off work for me.  Aaargh!  Oh well.  Maybe I'll be lucky and I'll feel well enough to return to full duty after that 2 weeks.  Or, maybe I'll still hurt like hell and he’ll give me more time.  Only time will tell.

I have the wonderful ability to heal quite well and quite quickly.  I'm wondering if this will rear its wonderful head with the recovery from this surgery.  I really could use the rapid healing gene I inherited from my father to kick in on this one.  I would like to see if I'm feeling well enough and not too sore to return to full duty after the 2 weeks post-op.  On one hand I pretty much doubt it.  But, on the other hand, a body can do surprising things sometimes.  Maybe my determination will shine through and I can will myself healed.  The power of mind over matter is truly something to behold.

I'm not going to hold my breath or anything equally as silly as that.  I will do my best to keep myself devoid of expectations.  I want to approach it with a clean and clear mind.  I don’t want to disappoint myself with this.

Surgery is less than a week away and I couldn’t be more excited.  I’ve been keeping my mind busy with chores such as what should I wear to the hospital.  I really hope that this is my light at the end of the long, dark tunnel I have been in for 6 months now.

I am very nervous too, but not about the surgery.  I trust the surgeon, so I'm not worried about that.  What I am worried about is the state of my job.  What will be the final decision on my restrictive duty extension request?  Will it ultimately get denied and, if it does, will I already be back on full duty so it won’t really matter?  Or will it get denied too early for me to return to full duty and I have to pursue legal options to fight it?  Maybe I'll get lucky and the higher ups that still have to review it will take mercy on me and will find it in their hearts to extend my request.  I'm not putting much stock in that option, though.  I just have a bad feeling about this and I don’t like.  It’s completely out of my control.  I don’t like it when things that have to do with me are out of my hands.  I don’t like not knowing how my immediate future is going to go.  I don’t like being insecure about my standing at my job…my job that I’ve been at for almost 8½ years. 

I know it’s not personal, but how can I take it any way other than personal when it feels personal?  I feel like my feet have been kicked out from under me and I'm not able to regain my footing and just keep falling back down.  I feel like the other 8 years that I have worked at this job have been for nothing, that they mean nothing…that they could just consider throwing me away or, at the very least, to the wayside, without much thought to it.

I was up at the pre-crack of dawn this morning.  4:30 in the morning.  Sure if it’s a day I work, no problem.  But I don’t work today.  It’s my weekend off.  Every other weekend, I get a 3-day weekend.  It’s nice.  One of the perks of working a 12-hour shift at the jail.  I’ve attempted to keep myself busy so far today.  I’ve started 2 new paintings, which now gives me 4 paintings that are half done and that just await the addition of their subjects.  I walked the dog for 2 hours.  Accomplished making my feet and my back hurt and then went right back to boredom.

I’ve read a little of the book I'm currently reading, A Bad Bride’s Tale by Polly Williams, this morning as well.  So far it’s a good book.  I’ve read her other book and I really enjoyed that.  Sure, I’ve been on a memoir reading kick lately.  Guess I just need to occasionally take a little break from them and get some good old fashioned fiction in the mix.

Caught one of my best friends, Eileen, on the instant messenger and talked to her for a little bit.  We talked about doing a “happy hour” at a pottery studio for one of our girls nights out.  I think it’s a fantastic idea and actually look forward to it.  I could make a nice (hopefully) vase and then paint it before I take it back to be glazed.  I love doing anything artistic.

Speaking of doing artistic activities, I have plans to visit an outdoor sculpture garden with my friend Doug this afternoon.  I'm going to take my camera since I’ve never been before.  Hopefully I'll get some good shots.  Maybe I'll even get inspired for my paintings. 

Whenever I type Doug’s name, for some reason I always add an “h,” making it Dough.  I don’t know why.  It’s not like he’s fat, he’s not.  Or that he’s soft.  He’s sweet, yes, but I don’t think he’s soft. 

The sculpture garden was very nice and I took some good pictures of the sculptures and it was nice to be out in the open.  However, it was smaller than either of us had anticipated and it only took about half an hour to tour the whole garden.  I did buy a postcard of a bronze cat sculpture that I framed in a blue picture frame.  The frame compliments the blue and green of the weathered bronze of the cat.