Reaffirmation

So, at the beginning of August, I won the year-long fitness competition by losing 33 lbs.  Then a tragedy happened (although it definitely could have been worse) and I didn’t know how to deal with the stress from it so I ate and withdrew into myself a little.  I completely stopped going to the gym and getting up for my runs became a struggle.  I managed to do all my runs, even though I had to play a little catch up with them because of working double shifts at work.  But, not only did I completely waste my gym membership for August, but my eating was horrendous.  Earlier this year, I had a couple setbacks where I gained a few pounds, but I was able to lose them again pretty quickly.  This time, I gained more than just a few pounds…I gained 6.2.  It took me all of June and July to lose that much weight, but only one month to completely undo those 2 months’ worth of effort and regain it. 

I’m so disappointed in myself.  So frustrated with me.  So completely done with my excuses.  I have to accept that I’ve done this to myself and move on.  I have said this before, but I’m going to say it again.  I have to take things one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow.  I can’t do anything about tomorrow, or next week, until it happens.  Until then, I can only worry about NOW.  If I worry about anything beyond right now, then I will get overwhelmed and will be more likely to binge.  I wish I didn’t have to have a constant on-going struggle with my disordered eating, but like any addict, it will be a permanent fixture in my life for the rest of my life.

I have it planned to make two gym sessions happen this week.  Today is a run day (9 miles).  I want to hit the gym tomorrow.  I’d like to do a short run when I get to the gym and before I start my strength training workout.  Nothing more than 3 miles.  Then, Wednesday is a run day again (8 miles).  Thursday I’d like to hit the gym again for my second session this week.  Again, I want to do a short run before starting my workout (also not more than 3 miles).  Friday is a run day again (6.5 miles).  Saturday, I want to ride my bicycle on the trak stand for an hour and maybe try out that 30 minute calisthenic circuit I came up with. 

I have AGAIN rethought my food intake.  I think I’ve said before that I think I need a little more variety in my food.  So, I’ve done some thinking and I have come up with a few things.  I’m going to add a second option to my breakfast of oatmeal with PB2 and a banana (I already have the option of multigrain waffles with PB2 and a banana)…I’m thinking I should do a 3^rd option with eggs and veggies as well.  I will continue with the post workout protein shake made with almond milk.  My at work snacks will continue to be 1 cup ff cottage cheese with a single serve cup of diced fruit either no sugar added or in light syrup (I do have a variety of 5 different fruits in a cup), 1 serving of 0% plain Greek yogurt with thawed frozen berries and 1/3 cup granola, and 2 sliced bell peppers.  For dinner, I’ve got a few more options.  I’m going to hold onto the turkey patty with avocado, a serving of fish, and a breaded chicken patty on a sandwich thin.  I’m also going to add my roasted eggplant parmesan with spaghetti squash and stuffed bell peppers to the rotation.  Hopefully this will help keep me from the urges to “splurge” on food I don’t need to be eating.

Yesterday I ate a bunch of junk, but I plan for that to have been my last “splurge” until the 15^th when I go for sushi with friends.  I’d like to keep my “splurges” down to only twice a month…basically the Sunday after payday.  I will do my best to be more present on here to chronicle my struggles and my triumphs as I attempt to try to get a handle on my disordered eating, get back on the wagon and relose the 6.2 lbs I have gained, plus work on losing the other 12.2 lbs I need to lose in order to reach my ultimate weight loss goal.